At some point in my life, I will talk about something other than my child. But not right now. No, right now she's pretty much all I sleep, eat, and breathe. So now that we've cleared that up, let's get right back to talking about my baby, like I said.
Lucy continues to amaze me every single day. She doesn't do much outside of the typical newborn behaviors. (Is she still considered newborn at seven weeks? When does this transition happen? Oh, who cares.) But still...she's amazing. Truly. My favorite part of the day is when she first wakes up from a nap or when she's a little milk drunk. She just lies back in my arms or on my knees and looks around, her eyes alight with wonder and curiosity. She smiles constantly, which pretty much guarantees a broken mama heart because it's absolutely the most adorable/heartbreaking/wonderful thing I've ever seen. Sometimes I just watch her watch the world, and it's astounding. I wonder what's going on in her mind and I imagine all these emotions and memories nestling into her brain and making themselves at home so that, one day, she'll be able to draw upon all the love we've given her. It's crucial for her to have some extra just in case when she's in the middle of a fight with her boyfriend, or crying over a test score, or feeling homesick when she's away at college. So we're trying to fill up all the stores she's got.
Yesterday, I held her in my arms and watched as she turned her head from left to right, fixing her eyes on something I could not see, a huge grin on her face. She followed it around the room, her smile growing larger with each passing second and I said a little prayer that she would always view the world with such joy. My mother says Lucy sees angels and I believe her. I hope she always can. I hope we teach her so.
My friend Susan shared a blog post on Facebook this morning that spoke directly to this new mama stuff. And I realized after reading it that God has answered the prayers I so fervently prayed while I was pregnant. Like I wrote in my last post (and in many others), I long to see myself the way God sees me because it's the only way I can be the kind of mother He has called me to be. I used to pray that being a mother would give me that ability...only, at the time, I was just asking God to help me love Lucy the way He loves me (which I do, in my very messy, human way of loving). Instead, He showed me His love by revealing how much Lucy loves me. Hers is truly the kind of unconditional love God offers. My little girl sees me as I'd like to be seen. She knows my heart the way no one else does.
Sometimes I wonder if Lucy smiles so much or stops crying as soon as I hold her simply because I meet her needs. Is it just instinctual for her? "Oh hey! You're the woman with the boobies and I like those. Boobies are my favorite!" I'm sure that's part of it. But I have no doubt that babies are incredibly intelligent. They may not be able to communicate as articulately as we do (or don't), but they feel and think and act. THey learn. And, most importantly, they understand. And it fills me hope and comfort to believe that my sweet girl knows who I am even when I forget how good God has made me. Even when I feel like a failure. Even when I'm afraid. Lucy knows the truth.
She's a smart cookie, that one.