I can't believe another Christmas is about to come and go. It's ridiculous how time moves...how this time last year Pierce and I were settling into our new home and picking out a (real) tree from our new neighborhood. I had also just lost my job (almost a year ago to the day, in fact). I wasn't too upset about it, as you might remember from my posts, because I had long felt like I wanted to freelance. But then I fell (well, more like dug myself into) a hole of anxiety and depression, brought on by extreme and irrational fear. It took me until about April to feel kind of normal again. And then it wasn't until August that I had no fear of being alone at all anymore. But now the fear is back. And I hate it, you guys. It's killing my joy. It's stealing the sweetness of this season. And I'm trying not to let it...but that's also part of the problem, I suppose. Trying not to let something happen means all I'm doing is focusing on what hurts me, rather than focusing on what brings me happiness and peace...or what simply keeps me distracted. Often, I have found, that distraction is actually the best healer. If I learn how to redirect my thoughts every time they move in the direction of fear, then eventually that will become my new normal. Fear will be overridden by healthier patterns of thinking.
My husband and my mother both have been encouraging me to face my fear a little at a time. Pierce calls it "the mountain" and says that if all I ever do is look at it directly, all I've ever do is think it's too big to scale. I have to put my head down, he says, and take one step at a time. So that's what I'm trying to do. I might be filled with anxiety the whole time I'm taking that step, but at least I'm moving closer to the moment when my anxiety disappears altogether. And I can't wait for it. Seriously. That day cannot come fast enough. But just as it took time for me to build bad thought habits, it's also going to take time for me to change them. Today, I'm thanking God for His grace, for the truth that He sees me as a beautiful bride and not a failure, and I'm asking Him with everything I have to help me look at Him. Just Him. To choose Him...and not fear. My daughter deserves that and so does my husband.
And, dammit, I do, too.