Last night (or early this morning), as I was perusing Pinterest just before bed, I came across this quote from C.S. Lewis (one of my favorites):
"I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking."
I love how C.S. Lewis was both an empiricist and a romantic. He was rational and emotional. He talked and wrote his way through things but never stopped letting himself feel. I'm a lot like that.
And this week I'm definitely experiencing some powerful "feels".
I'm thirty-eight weeks and one day pregnant. Our house is ready, I've pre-registered at the hospital, our bags are almost packed, and I've currently got two veggie lasagnas cooking in the oven so I can freeze them for after Lucy arrives.
On the outside, I am totally ready for our baby. But my heart and my mind are still tumbling about in this place - in this exciting and distressing mixture - of fear, love, anxiety, impatience, and wonder.
People like to ask mamas-to-be a lot of silly questions. This week it's been, "Are you having twins?" which I could go my whole life without hearing ever again (don't ever ask a pregnant woman that!). Another popular one is. "Are you ready?"
Well, hell no. I'm not.
But I smile and say the thing they want to hear, which usually sounds something like this, "Yes, we're very excited! It's going to be a big change, but we can't wait to meet her!"
And that's absolutely true. But it's only part of the truth.
I'm ready to meet my girl for a number of reasons. But mostly because I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of wondering. I want to know her. I want to know if I'm going to be any good at this. I don't have a choice, of course, because no one else is going to be her mother and it's not like I can give her back. So I'm ready to prove to myself that I can do this and do it well.
When I read that quote last night, I felt a deep, humbling gratitude to God for what He has given us. And I was reminded of my own value...not just as a mother or a woman...but as a child of God.
The idea that my heavenly Father took the time to think of me - and then to go on and find me so incredibly valuable as to actually create me - is overwhelming. We don't think of ourselves like this much. As Christians, we do a lot of talking about being made in God's image and referring to Him as our Creator...but how often do we sit and soak up this beautiful truth?
My God, the ultimate Artist, decided I was a creation worth making. Then He went even further and decided that Lucy was, too. And somewhere between my birth and nine months ago, He chose to put the two of us together.
I can do this. Not because I'm any good or because I have some otherworldly knowledge that millions of other mothers don't. But because I was born in God's thought. We all were. And that, more than anything we can think of, makes us worthy.