"They'll have dark blonde hair, green eyes, and probably be taller than you."

{via Pinterest}
It's been a long time since I've shared anything super personal here. And that's kind of a shame.

You see, if you go back and look at my earliest entries from the beginning of 2010, you'll notice there were far fewer pictures and far more words. In the words of multiple college professors, I was telling and not showing. Now, for a writer this is practically career suicide. But for a blogger it appears to be the exact opposite. People visit blogs- more often than not- because they're visually appealing and have great content that goes beyond syntax and semantics. I know this because it's part of the biggest reason why I visit blogs. And why I worked so hard to switch things up around here and make it all look pretty.

But, right now, I want to do some telling and forget the showing. At least for the moment.

One thing blogging has done for me is reveal the wonderful, God-given privilege of being a mother. You may have noticed The Rockstar Diaries one of my favorite blogs, not least because Naomi has the cutest family that's ever walked the earth and better style than most people on their best day. But, more than anything, I love reading about her adventures with her daughter, Eleanor, whom she calls "E" most of the time. I'm also a fan of A Beautiful Journey, another adorable blog with lots of mommy stories and baby photos. And the thing I have in common with these women is that I married young, I love Jesus, and I think having children is more than just the next phase of life. It's a gift. A treasure. And it's not meant to be taken lightly.

When Hubby and I got married in the fall of 2008, we were both newly 23, college graduates, and not even close to wanting children. We talked at length about it prior to our wedding day, but (I'm about to give away some pretty personal info here!) since we were both virgins, we wanted to take as much time as possible to just simply enjoy each other. Babies were years and years down the road...if ever. 

The strange thing about all of this is that while I was in college I was absolutely certain I wanted kids. And I wanted them before I was 30. I didn't have a definitive timeline like so many women do, but they were a part of the plan. It wasn't until that ring was on my finger that I thought, "I'm not so sure I even care about having children."

Don't get me wrong. I love me some babies. And sweet little children who ask tons of questions. And teenagers who think they know everything but really know nothing and are just looking for someone to care about what they have to say. I love children at all ages. It wasn't that long ago that I was one. 

But do we really want to have one of our own?

I'm finding more and more, as my friends are having children and I'm watching my amazing fifteen-year old sister grow up, as well as my nieces and nephews, that the answer is a resounding "Yes!"

But when?

That's an answer I don't have. The only thing I know for sure is that something inside of me is changing. And it scares me to my knees and back. I've prayed so much about the prospect of having children because, about a year and a half ago, Hubby started changing his mind. He wasn't ambiguous about the idea anymore. In fact, he was looking forward to it. Was he ready to have children right then? No. But he is ready now.

I want to be ready. My mind is holding so tightly to the fear that I will be a terrible mother. I don't really even know why I'm afraid of such a thing. I have a fantastic mother, and incredible role models amongst the women in my family. When I see littles with their parents or siblings, it's all I can do not to scoop them up and cover their sweet faces with a thousand kisses. I have so much love to give. I have been given so much love in my life. And when I look at my husband- my sexy, kind, generous, patient husband who serves and leads and loves- I simply can't deny the world a potential father like him. With so many fathers in this world who are unfit, we need more men who will raise up their sons and daughters to care, protect, and give as though their lives depend on it. And they do. 

I look at Pierce and yearn to see him holding our child, lifting him or her up on his shoulders, laughing, playing, loving. I imagine him teaching them in the way they should go, and I so long to make disciples who will grow the Kingdom of God and reveal His glory in their lives. I want my children to know Jesus, to love Him, and to want to be like Him. I want them to see Christ in us, and I want to know that we've done right by them. I want, I want, I want...

My mind is filled with doubt and fear, but my heart is changing. God is doing a good work in me and He is not done yet. I don't know how long it will take, but I'm praying that, soon, I'll give up my resistance and let Him guide me. Now is not the time. That much I know for sure. But I know our time is coming. And, more than anything, I hope we'll want it the way the Father wants us...with reckless abandon and unconditional love.


a small player in God's plan. said...

Several things I have to comment on.

First, I'm the same way. I'm just 21, but I sit on the fence when it comes to children. I can see myself being happy either way. And yeah, it does seem like a ton of work, but I everyone says it's worth it.

Second, I write more than I put photos... It's always been that way. Pictures may be worth a thousand words, but you can't read them. So I write instead.

Third, nice to hear that there are still people out there that save themselves for marriage. Seems to be a rare quality these days... I'm hoping I find someone that has if/when I get married, like I have.

Fourth, from a pure formatting perspective, I find it interesting that you wrote this centered, and not the typical left-aligned. Just something I noticed. Purposeful? Who knows.

Enjoyed reading this. If you feel like writing more, I will certainly still be here to read it.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Brave post here...it's not easy to blog about personal things so I admire that you were able to. I'm sure you'll know when the time is right my friend...

meme-and-he said...

totally agree with these thoughts. Sometimes I am so afraid of messing up as a mother. I want to control everything about my future children's lives: what they are exposed to, who they are friends with, what decisions they make...and then I realize that one of the biggest parts of motherhood is releasing that control to God-who has a perfect plan for everyone. Such a difficult thing to do!

My name is Wendi! said...

MeMe and He: You are so right! I think our worries are just a universal part of human nature. OE: Thank you so much for your encouragement. Your comments always make me smile! And Small Player: Thank you so much for reading! I'm definitely glad to have you here and your comment encourages me to do more of what I'm good at, which is writing. The center alignment was purposeful, yes. I like the way it looks and perhaps I'm a little OCD about symmetry :). I think it's fantastic that you're waiting on God's best for you! It's not easy but it's certainly worth it!