Hi friends!

It's been a long time since I've actually written about what's going on in my life...in my heart...and I think I've just been avoiding it because there's so much to tell.

If you haven't noticed by now, I like to talk. A. LOT.

I like to give details.

I like to weave threads of stories together (or "spin yarns" as one of my favorite authors says.)

So when I go through a season like this- when my life feels a little upside down- I tend to avoid writing about it, even though I usually feel the need to write about it more than ever.

The strange thing is, right now, I'm not even certain how to put my thoughts down on paper. I feel completely romanced by the Spirit, pulled into His arms and told to let go of my fears and uncertainties, and, yet, I run from Him because life has gotten comfortable again.

Remember back when Andy Stanley did that series called "Big Church" on being BOLD in faith? Remember how God was shaping my heart to match His, and how incredibly joyful I felt about what He was doing? I was excited. I was ready for an adventure with my Jesus.

But then- somehow- in the middle of all my preparation to serve Him...I lost it. That feeling. I forgot what it meant to take risks and step out in faith. I went to meetings. I volunteered. I kept up with my schedule. I had lots of spare time. And I let go when I should have held on tight.

In 14 days, I will be leaving to go to Ngaamba, Kenya. Since I found out five months ago that I was accepted to go on the trip, I have been sharing my story with others, writing letters, and getting ready to go...my friends and family, who were so incredibly generous in their giving, helped me raise $3150...$500 short of my total goal. God equipped me to pay the remaining amount. He also blessed my husband with a permanent position with the Falcons, which meant a higher salary and amazing insurance. I was able to get all my shots and most of the costs for those will be reimbursed to us. I've attended meeting after meeting with my Kenya team: 13 of the most Spirit-filled, awesome people I have come to know. We've shared testimonies, cried and laughed together, and saved Michelle (one of our team members) after she fell out of our white-water rafting boat and got thrashed around by the Ocoee.

But, like I said, I got comfortable again. I let my heart forget what it meant to fall in love with Jesus. And now I'm feeling totally unprepared to serve.

My fear is that anyone who reads this will think I've wasted their money, or their time, in my efforts to get ready for this trip. But that's not true. It's meant more to me than I can ever say. I don't even know how to express my joy and gratitude...and I'm a writer!

But I have to be honest about where I am right now. And I'm kind of in a funk.

I don't remember where I read this, or who said it, although I'm sure it's a common quote and for good reason:

"Satan's biggest trick is making us think he doesn't exist."

Or something like that.

How true! I'm always conscious of God, always thinking about Him and how I want my life to reflect His character, but sometimes I forget Satan is there, too, always lurking, waiting to pounce on me when I'm most vulnerable. And the crazy thing is he doesn't have to do anything more than make me forget he's there.

It's his most dangerous tactic. He simply takes my attention off the task at hand by putting something else in my face. And it might not even be anything bad...it could be all the chores I need to get done, or the book I desperately want to read, or even my husband. Anything that take my attention away from Christ and puts it on the things of this world is Satan's slow, strategic battle to make me forget the task God wants me to accomplish.

So now I'm two weeks away from spending 9 days on the other side of the world, and I realize I want more.

I want Jesus. I can't stand that I've let His love story with me become another dusty book on the shelf.

But I've seen God's faithfulness in ways I never imagined these last few months, despite my spiritual ADD. The thought of raising enough money to serve in Kenya was overwhelming back in May and, yet, almost every day the little thermometer on my fundraising page went up just a little bit higher. Steady and sure. I learned to trust in God to provide financially, but I started to rely on people to make me feel emotionally and spiritually fed.

So my prayer is this:

Lord, give me a desire for You, and only You. Show me how to enjoy the blessings You've given me without making them my idols, or allowing them to become my reason for getting up each day. Jesus, please equip me to serve with a heart like Yours...not just in Kenya but here at home, as well. I want my life to be a reflection of Your unending grace for those of us who are small and needy, but called to follow You. You are beauty. You are love. I pray others will see Your work in me. Please, Jesus, take away my distractions and fill me with a humble Spirit, always searching for Your face in the midst of the mundane and the awe-inspiring alike.

Thank You.

Love You. 

Mean it.


C.Curley said...

Spiritual ADD...brilliant! I think I definitely have that! I go through these same phases. It's like a couple months on, a couple months off. I know that's not a good record, but it's where I always seem to end up. I keep thinking the next season of life will be easier, but I know each season comes with it's own settle of challenges and distractions. The important thing is that you realize what you're doing, you have a desire for more, and you are willing to reach out and humble yourself before God to rekindle that relationship. I know you will do God proud in Kenya! :)

Writer. Wife. Wanderer. said...

Thank you Christy! <3