Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead...

Hello there! I don't seem to be getting better at this blog-writing thing...but I was on a nine-day vaca with the hubby to California and just got back Sunday, so getting ready for (and THOROUGHLY enjoying) that experience is my excuse ;). If you'd like to know more about my trip (it was too long to go into detail here) but I have TONS of pics on my Facebook.

Now that I'm back I am feeling should I say this? UNmotivated. I finished both books and did so many things before I left that by the time we arrived home, I literally could not have cared less about either of my jobs or how my house looks or listening to the problems of my friends. I have to admit that I'm over most of that now (I just needed a few days to get back into the groove...jet lag, ya know), but I'm still working through some of it.

I'm listening to Switchfoot's Beautiful Letdown album, which was my obsession (one of them) my junior year of college. That was the BEST year I ever had, hands down, for a multitude of reasons, and music draws me back to it with memories that feel tangible (Butch Walker, Ashlee Simpson, The Academy Is..., Jack's Mannequin, etc.). So I keep thinking about it and what made it so wonderful and I miss GSU, my friends (as we were then...a family), El Som, games, was, indeed, incredible.

But it is now, too. And when people come to me with their problems, I always find myself struggling not to be too proud or judgmental because I do NOT want to be (or feel) that way. I want to be humble, I want to have patience, I want to have to wisdom. But my spirit gets hurt that some of my friends keep going back to the same terrible men who treat them as though they are no better than trash, and my flesh just wants to roll its eyes and say "I'm done listening to KNOW he's bad for you, so live with your decisions". How can she not know how much the Lord pursues her? How much he ADORES her? It's so hard because I don't want her to put her value in a fallible man because he has, does, and will let her down. But Jesus will never and He falls in love with her more each day. She is precious to Him and to me, and I wish she could see how much more she's worth than a guy who spreads rumors and spats names and brings tears.

This is just one particular situation and I brought my feelings up to my husband last night. I told him that I am so proud of our life, and that I don't want to be so eaten up with pride that I put myself above others. But I also don't want to allow Satan to discourage me from feeling good about my marriage and who Pierce and I are as a couple. I am no different, no better, than anyone else in the world. But I think what has set us apart is that we set boundaries for ourselves from the very beginning of our relationship and we stuck to them. I want the same kind of happiness for my friends, my family, and the whole world. I want people to see that God cherishes their tiny details and guards them, but we have to LET Him do that. We have to allow Him to work, not push Him away. When we do that, we get caught in traps and have our hearts broken over and over. Pierce, through God's spirit within his heart, showed me something different.

I used to be extremely judgmental. Let's just get that out in the open. But I fell in love with God and it changed me. I still judge and make snap deicisions based on first impressions but, honestly, I try to fight against it. I fight against my very flesh every day. If I gave in to my earthly whims, I would be a terrible person: a liar, a thief, a murderer, an adulterer...wouldn't we all? What makes us good is not anything inherent in us other than God's presence in our lives, whether we choose to accept and believe it or not. And I am so thankful for Him for saving me from that kind of life sometimes it's hard to breathe. And I am thankful that I had parents and friends to show me the way to a life with Christ because I don't know how I would have found it on my own. So when I start to get snotty or up on my soapbox, I feel God tugging at me saying "Ah, ah, now, who are you to be that way? Judgment is mine." But how do I find a balance? Love has brought me to a place where I can talk to people where they are and feel empathy and compassion even if I don't agree with them. I'm in such a better place than I was 4,5,6 years ago. But how can I reach them? How can I show them Christ and still be proud of my own life? Being humble doesn't mean pretending like you aren't happy with your own life or proud of what you've just means admitting that what you've done was IMPOSSIBLE without Christ. And that's what I have to remember when I start to get angry or upset with others because, in truth, most days I feel pretty messed up myself.


1 comment

Christy Curley said...

This is so true for all of us, I think. I always struggle with what it means to be humble. Sometimes when I think I'm being humble I'm actually being prideful...patting myself on the back for being "humble." Yeah, it's confusing. But I think it's hard for everyone. But it is always important to remember that the thanks, praise, and glory all belongs to God no matter what. :) Thanks for sharing!